I haven’t posted in several days, and I just don’t know where the time went. It got eaten by the zen-eating monster again, I guess. Lots of little side projects and articles, but no fiction. Gonna try to change that today, even though I’m under another deadline for an article.
At least it’s kept me busy enough to keep my mind off the lack of response from Clarion. Apparently, I am not the only one. Like Oso Muerte, I am in a holding pattern on that part of my life. It’s surprising how many opportunities have come up for that part of the summer, and how optimistic I can sound saying, “I may be at a writing workshop in San Diego then, I’ll have to let you know.” Maybe absurdly optimistic, I don’t know. I get this sensation in the pit of my stomach when I think about Clarion. Whether I get in or not, the process so far has been a touch emotional, which has really taken me off guard.
In between writing and making phone calls for freelance work, I have been jumping around the blog-o-sphere, reading what other applicants are thinking about (anxiety, anticipation, fear of failure, determination). Leaving a few comments, too. Trying not to be such a lurker. It’s nice to feel like I’m in touch with other writers on this particular wavelength.
Also, I’ve been making the rounds on library websites for books by the workshop authors. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
— Generation Loss by Elizabeth Hand, at public library (nabbed it)
— Nebula Awards anthology #31 and 28 (1997 and 1994) which include shorts by Hand and Kim Stanley Robinson, respectively
— The Year’s Best Science Fiction 14th Annual Collection, with a story by Paul Park. He’s the only person I’m having trouble finding (for free, anyway) on the shelf
I may get started on those later in the week or while I’m munching down snacks at work on Tuesday.
I have been thinking of how to say it for a few days now; I am SO anxious about my application to Clarion Writers’ Workshop. I think about it constantly. The pleasure and sense of accomplishment I felt the day after applying (March 1) has worn off, and now I daydream about it and search the internet for advice and journals from Clarion graduates. The picture is pretty much uniform and coherent: it was amazing and stressful. Some of the things folks say they learned (for example, how first person present narrative is SO newbie) stress me out because I’m still doing those things. But I get to thinking that maybe those newbie mistakes are okay. I gotta start somewhere.
After reading about the experiences of others at Clarion, I don’t know what I’m more afraid of: acceptance or rejection. Well, probably rejection. Of course, I want to go, for all the reasons that people state, like validation of my work, the experience of workshopping with other writers, producing work that has real potential, having the time to write and the motivation (at the same time) and so on.
However, I have anxieties about how I will handle the emotional part. I’ve done fiction workshops many times before, but the criticism there was not usually anything harsh. I want honest critique, but I don’t want to cry like a little baby in front of my peers. I don’t want to be sleep-deprived and snappy. I don’t want to come home feeling depressed when it ends. I don’t want to make friends and then mourn the loss of them when it’s over.
Last year, Vylar Kaftan over at the Clarion West Writing Workshop forum challenged applicants to write a story while waiting for notification. That way, you write without knowing the deadline. It could be tomorrow, so you have to work hard. I may try that.